Something I Whipped Up

Kacie Krist couldn’t understand why the airline wouldn’t follow her demands. How could those flight attendants value a bag of peanuts more than her life? Did they want her to die? The main flight attendant, Geri, just stood there smiling at her explaining some stupid policy about serving peanuts on the airplane. “You can’t just come onto an airplane and demand something be changed,” Geri said. “Passengers have an expectation that when they sit down on a grueling four hour flight they will receive a complimentary bag of peanuts.”

Kacie stamped her feet on the ground at this point and began to cry. Her thick eyeliner ran down her face. How could they do this to her? She had to get on this flight. Why wouldn’t they just do what she asked? The very smell of peanut dust made her throat sore and her nose swell up like a potato. She could die from prolonged exposure to the deadly snack. She had evidence of this from her doctor. Her allergy bracelet, purchased from Tiffany’s from daddy, had the severity of her allergy clearly spelled out.

Chloe, Kacie’s friend, stood up in a very motherly fashion and demanded the flight attendants not serve that bag of peanuts. “No one will miss them,” she howled. “I will personally pay for each bag of peanuts if I must.” The cost and importance of the peanuts was no longer the issue. Geri explained that, even if they did not serve peanuts, how could they guarantee that no one on the plane had brought on a bag of their own? If someone opened his or her own bag, what if Kacie died? It would then be the responsibility of the airline. Kacie was told that she would simply have to get off of the plane and wait for a peanut free flight.
“Next time, please inform the airline sooner,” said Geri. “Then there will not be a scene on the plane and the passengers will not be disturbed.”

Kacie Krist was not done with this. She got off of the plane with Chloe and Marcus, a boy who had been pursuing Kacie throughout the whole Study Abroad trip to France, but only now figured out a surefire way to show her how much he cared. Together, those three students would have entire peanut crops destroyed and nearly render the legume extinct.
It was Marcus and Kacie Krist’s father who really got things rolling. Marcus started the YouthSpot page on the Internet titled “Pea-Nuts: Tell the Airlines to Value Human Life.” The description of the page was very persuasive, enticing over 300,000 young people to join.
“The time to make a difference is now. The airlines are practicing discrimination of the purest form. They did not judge this young woman based on the content of her character, but by the intolerance in her immune system. Is this the America Martin Luther King Jr. dreamed about? Like Rosa Parks, Kacie Krist will not give up her seat on an airplane. It is time to show the airlines that we will not travel if peanuts are on board. These salted and/or honey-roasted killers must be kept out of planes, bars, or any public place. If cigarette smoking is such a problem, why not peanuts? The revolution starts here!”

The movement quickly picked up speed. Reggie Krist, Kacie’s father, quickly took the airlines to court where they settled for over a million dollars for psychological damages done to Kacie. She quickly went on Larry King Live and The O’Reilly Factor to explain her position. She was soon cast to perform on Dancing With the Stars. She attended the Emmys. A sex tape was released featuring Kacie, a midget dressed as a Viking, and Hector Sinclair, the most recent American Idol winner.

But Marcus didn’t care. He was going to win Kacie’s heart. He was sure of it. When Kacie’s spotlight slowly began to fade, it was Marcus who reignited the issue by demanding a boycott of peanut butter. Soon the peanut butter companies failed. Lip Smackers Jelly followed close behind. Marcus stood with Kacie, her entourage, and the press as fields of peanuts were torched. Jimmy Carter tried to appeal to the public on television, but was shouted down by cable personalities.

Marcus still didn’t perform coitus with Kacie, so he continued the crusade. There were virtually no peanuts in the United States, but what about other countries? Many, like France and Canada, quickly gave in to the demands. China, however, proved a challenge. “Much of our food is cooked with peanut oil,” said the Prime Minister. “How could we ask our people to fundamentally change the way they live?” Marcus quickly dubbed China a hostile state, valuing food over human life. Relations between the two countries became troubled.

China said they could come to a compromise. If the United States paid China all the debt they owed, China would work to remove peanuts entirely from the planet. The United States said this was impractical and stupid. China should simply use some other oil for cooking. China just said no. The United States prepared to launch bombs.

Marcus held Kacie’s hand as they watched fighter jets flying across the Pacific Ocean. She couldn’t say no to him now. He softly kissed her neck. She looked at him through her Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses. She looked at the paparazzi behind her. Then she looked at the Tiffany’s allergy bracelet on her wrist. She got what she wanted. The world would no longer discriminate against people with her allergy. But she now realized she was surrounded by nuts.